By David Pelligrinelli

I'll bet that you can think of a conflict or dispute in your life that you wish you could make go away. And you are not alone, it is likely that everyone you know, from family, friends, colleagues, and co-workers, each has some type of friction with another person that is ongoing. It could be a minor squabble over an expense all the way up to a major row regarding a large life issue.

Any type of dispute, left unresolved, can and will create further problems for all the parties. It will occupy attention in your mind, displacing other productive thoughts and ideas. The problem will escalate between the parties, collecting other unrelated issues, dragging them into the conflict. It will also ensnare those around you, forcing them to be counselors to hear your frustrations, or to take a side.

Thankfully, there are steps that any person can take to dissolve a festering disagreement and free the distraction. Even as professional mediators, we each have pending squabbles that we all wish to improve.

The first and most important step is to create emotional distance from the personal insult you feel about the conflict. Even if there is legitimate disrespect from the other party, dwelling in that hurt will interfere with any resolution. Put that aside, the best that you can, before doing anything else. In a formal high level conflict resolution, such as a mediated litigation, that is the primary role of the mediator or arbitrator, to be an emotional buffer between the disputants, a neutral third party without a "dog in the hunt." So if you are working on a personal conflict, be your own mediator first, and go into "don't take it personal" mode. This is much easier for me to say, than for you to actually do.

Second, look at all the facets of the conflict, and identify which ones are already in agreement, or functionally close. Then isolate the remaining items which have a larger delta.

Third, begin a dialog with the other party, and ask them to describe their point of view on the matter. Let them talk, filibuster, and run off from the mouth for longer than you are comfortable with. Certainly, do not accept verbal abuse or insults, but the more that you can diplomatically let the other side be heard, you will find that many of the disputed points will magically melt on their own.

Last, address the remaining items with "what if" suggestions. "I am not sure if I could make this work, but what if I was willing to (state your offering), would that be a good place to make this work for us?" Throughout the process, introduce intermittent examples of very firm direction, and even glimpses of dominance, to let the other party that you are being responsible for leading the conversation.

If you combine the patience of a saint, the insight of a teacher, and step out of your own defensiveness, you will be able to perform the magic trick of conflict resolution.

If you are a professional mediator reading this, share these ideas along with your own elevated knowledge of conflicts to those in your personal circle. Everyone has a need to extract themself with honor from a dispute. If you are a person who is interested in the field of conflict resolution and mediation, follow our association and consider joining for regular skill building and networking information.

If you are a general human being, use these tips to try and de-escalate the disputes in your life, or consider involving a professional mediator to take the pressure off of yourself.